“Home” can mean different things to different people. Some people think of home as the place they were born, some think of it as the neighborhood where they grew up, and others think of home as where they live now. Sometimes when we think of going “home” we may get very happy, sad, nostalgic, or all of the above. Our reaction to that idea is connected to our own definition and experience of “being home.” Our concept of “home” very likely could change throughout different chapters in our life, depending on decisions we make, relationships we have, the work we do, and the way we see ourselves at the present time. However we think of home, all of them are valid. But what I believe is the most important about how we feel about home, is the emotional connection we have to it.
Coping with a Challenging Childhood
I know sometimes that the place where we grew up is not the best. You may have had challenging, or even abusive, family relationships. Or perhaps you grew up in a stable, loving home, but didn’t share the same values as your family. Whether your childhood was dysfunctional or not, it can be difficult to feel like you fit in or belong in the place you grew up. No one gets to choose their families and where they were raised, but there’s this unfair expectation on all of us that we have to like the family that raised us no matter what. The truth is, we don’t have to like our childhood home, or even our parents, siblings, or other relatives. “Home” doesn’t have to be defined as our past, and it doesn’t define who we are today.
Home – whatever that may be – doesn’t define you.
You are more than your past. You are more than where you were born. You are more than the people who raised you. As adults, we can focus on what we have built for ourselves, our accomplishments, and where we are today. There’s nothing you can do to erase the past and you can’t change other people, so it’s important that you feel at home now in this moment, with the current relationships you have. Our upbringing is part of who we are – good or bad – but we’re always changing and building new relationships. When we move on from challenges, we can create a new concept of “home”.
You Have the Right to Decide What and Where Your Home Is
As adults we have the power to make our home wherever we are and shape our own lives. We can make decisions with pride and energy, and choose to be around people that contribute to a healthy version of home and help us be who we want to be. You can honor your past and still move forward with creating a world that you value and love. Everyone has the right to feel “at home” in their current situation. Surround yourself with people who treat you with respect and dignity, who share your values, and whom you love. They are your new family (not that you have to reject the family you grew up), and we can make choices to build our new home that’s healthy and comfortable. Whether it’s in the same neighborhood where you grew up or it’s half way around the world, where you currently are is where you build a new sense of home.
Being “at home” should feel good.
Whether you had a traumatic childhood or a happy childhood, it’s important to have a sense of belonging and feel at home wherever you are now. Does going home (back to where you grew up or returning to your current residence) feel like climbing to the highest point of a mountain? Does it make you feel relieved, happy, free, confident? If it doesn’t, what is blocking you from feel good? What can be changed to make you feel happy and “at home” where you currently live? What decisions can you make to improve your life? Everyone deserves to feel comfortable, happy, safe, and “at home.”
Feeling “At Home” In More Than One Place
I recently visited my home country of Peru. My family – meaning my siblings, my parents, and my closest relatives – live there. During my visit I had the wonderful opportunity to reconnect with my culture, language, and college friends. Emotionally, I reconnected with the 22-year-old version of myself who left her country and family to start a new life in America 17 years ago. I reconnected with my dreams and fears of that time. My present self felt very proud of that 22-year-old college student who has since built a new life, family, and career in a new country.
During my visit, I spent some time in Lima, where I was born and where my family currently lives. I also spent some time in Cusco and visited the famous and magical ruins on Machu Picchu. As the days passed and I reconnected with cultural traditions, habits, and food, I felt very nostalgic about how much I miss my country, my culture, my friends, my family, and my home there. Equally, I realized how much I was missing my family and home in America and how much all the beautiful relationships I have built there mean to me.
As my trip was coming to an end and I reflected of what “home” means to me, I realized it feels like a strong sense of happiness, connection, confidence, freedom, pride of who we are, and how much we appreciate ourselves. My idea of home does not refer to Peru only. Emotionally, I believe my home is somewhere between Peru and the United States. The family that raises me is in Peru, and lots of my traditions were built there. I now live in Florida with my husband and children, I have built amazing friends who are the family I chose, and I have created more traditions here. I am lucky to feel “at home” in two parts of the world and have love and support in both Peru and Florida.
We have to honor our journey that led us to where we are today.
You have the be the first person to honor your story – no one else will do that for you. Sometimes people might assume what home means to you, but don’t let them. We should feel proud of the lives we’ve built for ourselves and the place, or places, we call home. Nobody can take that away from you.
Contact me today to learn more about how therapy can help you be “at home” wherever you are and achieve your goals.
